I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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