mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
