the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
