I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
