woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
