Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
