maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
