DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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