I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
