Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
