Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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