I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
