just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
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