I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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