no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
