I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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