You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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