I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
