if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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