i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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