I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
