i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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