sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
