I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
