i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
