I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
