we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
