Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
