I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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