I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
