Best friends brother. Beat that.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
