I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Best friends brother. Beat that.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
