You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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