Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
