Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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