she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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