and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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