dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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