I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize