I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
