Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
