why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
