i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
