i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
So much Jack, so little girl.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
