Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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