I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
