I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
