This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
