my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
