Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
