So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
