my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
COCAINE IS GR8
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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