His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize