actually, I'm a sock model
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
