i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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