A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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