Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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