i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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