Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize