Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize