You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
