I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
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